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  • Writer's pictureAngela Cavallin

Why Is Dating So Hard?

To be transparent, I’m in a relationship so please don’t take this as me asking in an asshole way I'm genuinely asking why dating is it so hard (and exhausting)?! This question lead me down my own conspiracy dating theory. In theory, dating shouldn’t be hard because deep down, everyone wants the same thing. EVERYONE wants the same thing. Everyone wants someone that can make them laugh, they can be themselves and feel desired. Yet, when you're out there trying to meet someone, people are playing games, forgetting their manners and sometimes... get scary. Even if you are real with someone, how do you know that person either believes you or is “real” back - or even worse, you become that person that plays games, is rude or even... scary. Just to protect yourself from hurt and rejection. I’m not an expert in… anything really, but I do have a theory as to why it’s challenging. We’ve been sold the idea that this is how dating should be and we bought it. At premium!

I’m no therapist, but I’ll pull a famous line used by therapists (and one in a movie) it’s not your fault. Our whole world is shaped by our environment and our environment has been moulded by advertisement and media. Think of all the dating sites and apps available to us right now and how insanely popular the dating world is for businesses. There’s money to be made in dating, not steady relationships. We are in very selfish times and it’s only getting worse. You can’t be selfish and in a relationship, it’s just not going to work. However, you can be all the selfish you want if you’re dating. At least that’s what we’re being sold. We all want love and we turn to “experts” that tell you to change what you’re doing and who you are to find someone. Even worse, you read books on how to pick up chicks or how to find rich men and train to be a terrible person (just an FYI if you’re a crap bag, the chances of finding a decent person to love you is very slim). We want someone who is real with us, yet we’re trying to find that person in the most inauthentic way possible. How is anyone going to get what they want with so much bullshit being fed to them? You’re not, that’s the point.

“Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” was a best seller for eight weeks! “He’s Just Not That Into You” was also a top seller and both of these books became movies. Oh wait, there’s also “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” that also became a movie. This book has more of a broad narrative and is less about dating advice, and guides more to the famous book, “The Game” that gives tips on how to get laid. It’s not just books and movies that are pulling us in different directions, there’s seminars, classes, apps, websites, bars host single nights, night clubs are popular because people want to dance, do drugs and get laid. These things can be fun, but when everyone is exposed to so many different “experts” that aren’t their own therapist, then maybe that’s how things are getting messy and complicated. What might register for some may be taken the complete opposite for someone else. Some guy heard if you send a girl a picture of your dick as soon as she says hi, she’s yours forever (I’m sure that’s true somewhere… its the only explanation to this phenomenon). It’s a vicious cycle of advice from people that don’t know what they’re talking about, just want a quick buck. Ever received bad advice from your parent that set you back? That’s dating advice.

What keeps the cycle going are mostly the dating apps and websites. There are 50 million Tinder users, Grindr with 10 million and Bumble has two million users that are swiping to find someone. Tinder prides itself with connecting 8 million users a day. That just means they both swiped in the same direction. It does not mean they have anything in common or even want the same thing. Let’s give Tinder the benefit of the doubt and say out of the 8 million connections, 10% of them start dating (which is a generous percent). Out of 50 million users, 800,000 date every day. That’s 1.6% of their users start dating every day. With results that low, any business would crumble, unless you’re dealing with dating because… that’s the point with these businesses.

There’s the sad ugly theory. Women, I suggest you take dating movies as entertainment only and men if you’re going to follow a widely popular pick-up book, just keep in mind that women read too and will know what you’re doing when you try out some of the “tricks”.

What would happen if we put away the dating apps, stopped going on websites, didn’t buy these books… We might just start over and actually remember to connect with people instead of seeing someone as just a profile. Online dating only made it easier for people to meet and harder to connect. All dating advice is, is reminding us of basic human decency. No one has mastered that, which makes dating so hard.

I’m very sorry if you think I have any great advice or a hopeful point to this entry, but really I’m just writing it to say, I feel you. I don’t pity you, pity is disgusting and no one needs to be pitied. I sympathize. I feel your frustrations, your excitement, your confusion, your hurt, I feel it. I am sending hope that we can finally see through all the lies and get to the truth. Being kind should be easier than being mean. We all want love, so love.

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